Thy walls are continually before me

Life is funny. Nothing really ever changes regarding the universal concept of what life is, yet my perception of it seems to shift constantly. Just when I think I have a pretty good handle on what life means, what it should or shouldn't be, something gives or breaks and I find myself back at square one, questioning at least the little things. I undoubtedly live my life in cycles. I take full advantage of the human experience. I know what it feels like to feel true Joy, despair, love, heartache, laughter, tears, accomplishment, failure, pride, embarrassment, and every other emotion promised to us by birth and fostered through human interaction. I have found myself in the lowest of lows, and the highest of highs. And although my experience is unique to me with all of its vigor, fear of the unknown, excitement, and disappointment, I know one thing in absolute certainty. My life has been a direct result of a loving Heavenly Father guiding, whispering, nudging, and I am sure at times, pleading with me to stay on the right path. Now when I say the right path, I don't just mean the path of truth and righteousness, the straight and narrow, the hand firmly on the iron rod type of path. Although that's wildly important and plays a large part in our time here on earth, the path I am more intrigued by, the one that discloses the depth of the Lord's love for me, is my individual unique path, the one he carved out just for me.
His heart broke with mine for the first time when my grandmother passed away suddenly my junior year. He was there alongside me as I struggled to find my footing during my first couple years of college. Im sure I disappointed him with some of the choices I made during that time but he never left me. He took me in the midst of my brokenness just as I was and continued to show me the way. He was there when the front of my Ford Taurus crumpled against the back of a minivan at 70 MPH and I had no recollection of putting my seatbelt on. He prompted me to research a university that would eventually become my alma matter, a place where I truly gained my foundation in the gospel,  and the place I would be led to my sweet husband who completely changed my life. Our hearts broke again together when I experienced a miscarriage, and our joy infinite when two (soon to be three) little spirits were united with their earthly parents. Through his guidance we made a somewhat random, but later to be a understood as a vital, move to Utah. He nudged me right into my career, one that we never saw coming, but one that has played a key role in my family's life to this point. He opened Rob's eyes to an unknown passion for his now nearing career, again, another one we could have never guessed but that fits into his life like a perfectly placed puzzle piece. He orchestrated the saving of my son's life at the pool that night, and I could almost tangibly feel his hand on my shoulder as I experienced all of the guilt and gratitude that plagued and blessed me in those moments and in the weeks to follow. I could go on for hours about the small and large ways He has been my constant companion and guide through out my life, even in those moments when I wasn't seeking him, even in the times I was so absorbed with myself that I couldn't feel His presence.
I've been taught through out my time in the church by different people that the spirit leaves us when we don't make righteous decisions. Through personal experience I would chance to say that might be false. I believe that the spirit never leaves us, but rather our own sensitivity to the spirit is interrupted like a radio signal being blocked when we act contradictory to His nature. It is us that leave the spirit, not the other way around. With this concept comes a renewed sense of accountability. I have a tendency to become frustrated with the spirit in those times in my life that I feel I am striving to feel His presence and no matter what I do the feelings just don't come. But who am I to get frustrated with the spirit when in reality it was me all along that chose to leave Him? And as I have learned all too well, navigating back to him isn't always a day trip. As if I were lost at sea, its more like an excursion to find my way home. The key is realizing that I am the one that is lost, not Him. It is up to us to find Him again, and He would wait forever if we made Him.
Not too long ago I was reading in the Book of Mormon and this scripture hit me like a sack of bricks, "Behold, I have graven thee upon the palms of my hands; thy walls are continually before me." (1 Nephi 21:16). I read it over and over again until I felt like I started to really understand the depth of it. The Lord clearly and explicitly punched me in the gut with these words and simultaneously his Love for me, and I reached a new understanding of my relationship to Him. The depth of His love is unfathomable by the mortal heart. There is simply no way our feeble minds host the capability to begin to understand it. But in those sweet moments when we feel it deeply in our lives, we can learn more about ourselves and our divine nature than ever.
A few years ago, my husband proposed that we complete a six week temple challenge. We knew our lives were lacking in certain areas, and he knew that by going to the temple we could begin to fill those holes and change for the better. I trusted him, and by our second week it was clear that we were changing, but not by our own efforts alone. The Lord had given us a small glimpse of what our lives could be if we chose to devote more of our time to Him and His teachings. I honestly can't say I had ever felt His love at a deeper level than during that time in the temple, and it has completely changed my life. After that, it was as if the Lord laid out a path for us to follow that was crystal clear and surprisingly ambiguous all at the same time. It was like we just knew what we needed to do, sometimes not knowing where it would lead us. I can say that over three years later this is still the case. Yes there are moments where uncertainty lies, but the answers come, and the stress of it all has been minimal as our faith in His guidance has grown.

The Lord doesn't just want us to follow the iron rod, the path of righteousness, the straight and narrow alone. He wants us to also follow our own unique path that He has placed before us, counting on us to get a hint and follow it. Of course these paths couldn't contradict each other. The Lord wants us to hold firm to the rod, but there is more than one way to do that without sacrificing righteousness and the richness our unique path offers. No two paths are the same just like no two people are the same, and how amazing is it to know that the Lord is aware of this path that provides us our ultimate happiness on an individual level? The question is, will we seek it? And in turn will we seek Him? And will we trust Him to show us the way?
My life has not been perfect since I began leaning more heavily on the Lord's guidance, (and I am far from being perfect at it), but it sure has been 100 times better. I still have moments of fear, doubt, disappointment, failure, discouragement, and every other negative emotion available to man. But I also carry with me a quiet confidence, knowing at the end of the day, the Lord is keeping me on my path of happiness, as long as I continue to choose it, and to choose Him. If I step away from it, I can feel it, and so begins my excursion back to Him with new found consciousness of the choices that interrupted the signal. Life is easier when you begin to understand God's love for you. Come to know Him personally, and He will show you His love by teaching you how well he knows you.

I hope I can look back and laugh at this one day :(

I am so stressed out right now I just need to get this on paper and get it out of my system. Back in May we went under contract with Richmond American Homes in Saratoga Springs Utah. Buying a new home was actually a crazy idea for us, mainly because I am technically self employed as a realtor and therefore need 2 years of taxes filed to attain a home loan. We weren’t planning on buying another home for 2-3 more years. But something pulled me to that community and something about it just felt right (when I say something I mean the spirit). After being told no a couple of times, first that we couldn’t build the home we wanted with the structural features we wanted, but shortly after, a lot came available that did allow those things and we moved forward. Then we were told no when we informed Richmond about our tax situation, only to be called back later and told that it was cleared with managers and they would allow us to get our taxes done first of the year before purchasing. We were excited! We chose the Helena model with a sunroom and reserved lot #28 in the Ironwood community. We paid our $7200 in deposits. We spent 9 hours in total at the design center, and countless hours daydreaming of the completion of the home. Our excitement has been peaked all summer, we have driven down almost every day to see the progress on the home with our kids. We have sat in the unfinished living room and envisioned what our futures would look like there as a family. We have met several of our would-be neighbors and have looked forward to future friendships. I have worked myself to the bone to make sure I have enough income to qualify for the home. We have met with tax planners and have pre-paid taxes so that it wouldn’t affect our ability to purchase the home. We have worked towards improving our credit so that we could get a good rate. We have listed our home to make sure we have a hefty down payment, even though we could buy it without selling too. We have done everything in our power to do our part to make sure that nothing could change the bright future we have dreamed of for over 6 months!

A couple of months ago we were told that the home was being pushed to December for completion instead of the original goal of February/March. The building superintendent Danny informed us that his superior was told to get everything done before the end of the year if possible. This sparked some concern in us, as we were initially told a 10 month build time. I reached out to our agent multiple times to get the reassurance that our agreement or situation would be honored and that we would still be allowed to purchase the home after taxes were done. She did reassure us on several occasions that it “would all work out”, “it will be fine”, and “Your home has been taken off the end of years closings I promise”. Our worries all but disappeared.

Friday I got a call from our Richmond agent. She stated that there were some issues, and things were not communicated to the higher ups about our agreement regarding the tax return situation. They asked that we get preapproved through their lender, for peace of mind. They wanted to see if their lender could close us in December so they can hit their quotas and sell the years inventory, but if not, they at least wanted to be assured we would in fact qualify for the loan come end of January. This was slightly irritating as we thought this had been addressed but we agreed to get it done. The loan officer was very nice. He was surprised that Richmond was making us get approved through him, and ultimately informed our agent that our file looked good and while he could not close us in December, we were solid for loan approval come January.

I spoke with my agent today. It was my understanding Friday that we just needed to get approved to either see if we could close in December or at the very least we would qualify for the loan come end of January. I told her we had fulfilled the requirement and asked if we could move forward. Instead of giving me any reassurance at all, she basically told me she wont know anything until tomorrow when her manager returns from Colorado, at which point they will discuss with the division president and let me know. WHAT?! Instead of saying, oh yes you did what we asked and I’m sure it will work out. She basically told me for over 20 minutes that she has no idea, and that its possible they pull this house out from under us. So I’m stressed, and I’m pissed off, and I’m worried, and I’m preparing for total heartbreak.

 I cant tell you how hard this is for me. This year I have dealt with anxiety and a little depression. When I was at my lowest, or on the verge of an anxiety attack when it was all just too much, I would drive out to the new house and just sit there, dreaming about a beautiful future there with deep rooted memories of get togethers, breakfasts, firsts, lasts, bed time stories, good conversations….all the love! I know this might sound ridiculous because its just a house. But this house became more than that for me this year. It was a safe place, hope for a better future, and my American dream. I will survive if I get bad news tomorrow. But I am praying, and hoping, and trying to keep faith that it will all work out and that we will be able to call 1853 S Centennial Blvd home for many years to come.

Part of me wants to believe it will all work out. If the Lord brings you to it, he will pull you through it. I cant ignore the promptings and personal experiences I have had relating to this home and neighborhood. Maybe I just need to remember that and have faith.

There are much harder things to deal with in this life than a house. I know that. But right now its all I can see.

Maybe I need to learn something from this. I will let you know when I figure it out, and I am sure I will be better for it. Trying to keep a positive attitude. If you have any advice or warm thoughts, I am all ears! And prayers are also very welcome!

The Refiners Fire of Motherhood

Has anyone stopped to wonder how moms do what they do? Seriously I think we are superheros. Think about it, there are so many smaller jobs inside the big job that come along with being a mom. We are nurses, playmates, supervisors, creative consultants, advisers, disciplinarians, cuddle monsters, love machines, cooks, house-maids, listeners, organizers, encouragers, teachers, friends, stewards, taxi drivers, executive decision makers, toy mechanics, problem solvers, scientists, artists, engineers, and the list goes on and on. That list doesn't even include our other duties like being a wife or an employee. We can perform all of these duties sometimes in the same day to keep our little ones safe and happy! We are kind of amazing that way!

I will be the first to admit that sometimes its a little bit much. The daily routine of being mom is sometimes the best thing and sometimes the worst, and sometimes both at the same time. Don't get me wrong, motherhood is the most important and amazing thing I have ever done with my life, those kids are my world, and I wouldn't change a single  thing. But, I think its worth mentioning that sometimes its just down right hard.

We all have different strengths and weaknesses. I for one, loved English and art in school, and abhorred math. I would clearly not grow up to be a Mathematician , physicist, or rocket scientist. My sister in law Eve on the other hand is amazing at math and would be a great mathematician or math teacher. I was never the mothering type growing up either. I never babysat, my first diaper change was my daughters, I didn't even like kids outside of my own family for the most part. When they plopped my beautiful daughter on my chest when she was born I was like: "well now what?" (with a slightly hysterical look on my face). While my sister in law is one of those that was just born to be a mom. She's had tons of babysitting experience, changed a million diapers, and has an affinity for kids. She must have known exactly what to do when my sweet little nephew came into the world.

I knew better than to grow up to be a crazy great photographer like my good friend Meagan, or a wickedly talented interior designer like my sister Jessie, or a sweet and loving elementary school teacher like my bestie Amanda

...those things are just not my strengths. BUT..... We are all moms! Isn't that crazy! We are all doing the exact same job, the most important job, despite our differences. And we are all succeeding! How can this be?

I'm not saying its sunshine and rainbows every second of every day being a mom for all of us. In fact I think some of us struggle more than others. I think some of us, like me, weren't necessarily cut out to be naturally super great at momming, and some days I feel it in my heart and I fight with all I have to learn and to cope and to change because my kids are worth it and I want to be better for them. And than there are those that, like my sister in law, were made for this. They make it look easy, little things that come along with motherhood don't phase them like they do me, they are the moms that can make all of those crazy awesome pinterest projects a reality! They are like mom superheros!

I'm not saying that either kind of mom is better than the other. Not at all! We all have happy and healthy children who probably think we are killing it at being their mom, at least most of the time. But what I am trying say is that some of us have a harder time keeping it together.
I used to have this thought that I wasn't as good of a mom as Sally down the street. I would privately bare this quiet shame. A heatwave of guilt and self disgust would flood over me out of no where. I would feel as if my kids deserved someone better than me. And that's a horrible feeling. I might be wrong but I'm willing to bet that several moms have these thoughts and never talk about them because we don't want anyone to know that we struggle. We want everyone to think we are supermom and that we've got it nailed down. We don't want anyone questioning our abilities or our love for our children. I bet that many of us could too easily relate to one of my favorite quotes from a poem by Stevie Smith, "I was farther out than you thought and not waving but drowning". 

Why do we do that to ourselves? That's NOT RIGHT!! We are all doing the very best we can for our kids on a daily basis, playing to our strengths, and hopefully working on our weak spots. Ive been able to change my perspective recently on my previous negativity. I have to remind myself that I am walking through the refiners fire and becoming the person that my children need me to be daily. The changes that have taken place in my life are astonishing and I know they have come from great effort on my part as well as the tender mercies of God. I believe that it is in my heavenly fathers plan for me to become something more than I am and for me, motherhood is how I am achieving that.
It has been the greatest blessing in my life to be a mom to my two wonderful children even when it has felt like the biggest burden. The hardest things in life make us the best we can be. And isn't it amazing that although its the hardest thing, it also offers such joy and happiness to have these babies in our lives? Isn't it great that we have each other to lean on and learn from?

We are all wildly different. That makes each of us beautiful and amazing in our own way. But we all have one thing in common and that is unconditional love for our children. We were all created for this divine purpose and God gave us ALL the tools we will ever need to take these precious people from infancy to adulthood without screwing them up too badly haha. Just in case you need to hear it today, YOU CAN DO THIS! You are amazing and your kids love you!! You are appreciated even if its not shown and you are A GREAT MOM!!

By the way, I am so blessed to have these amazing women in my life to lean on and learn from as I continue in the refiners fire!! 

One Bouncing baby boy coming right up :)

Some time has past since my last blog post. If you read my last post clear back in 2014, you will know what I am talking about when I say that everything in-fact doubled! Life is even crazier than it was before but it is also better than ever. A lot has happened since my last post so I guess I will start with my sweet baby boy's birth story:

On the night of January 8th 2015 I began having some consistent contractions. I felt so much more prepared this time around. With Berkley I had this constant anxiety that I wouldn't realize what a contraction felt like and that I wouldn't make it to the hospital in time and deliver her in our apartment bathroom which was (at the time) my worst nightmare haha. This time I knew exactly what to expect and that offered me great comfort!
I was due to deliver on the 18th so I thought maybe these were just Braxton Hicks contractions, but as the night went on they became stronger and stronger and I knew it was time. We headed to the hospital around 3am. Cyler and Eve had agreed to watch Berkley for us when the time came but they had the flu so we ended up taking our cute little one year old with us to the delivery room. Robby and Berkley were absolute troopers as they sat on the uncomfortable sofa so early in the morning waiting for a new son and brother.

Baylor Max Reid arrived on January 9th 2015 at 9:46am. He weighed 8' 6" and was 21.5 inches long. He had some hair but not as much as his big sister when she was born. His hair was lighter too!

 
 I remember thinking he was just perfect. I finally had my boy. If you know me you know that I have always looked forward to having a little boy for my own. He was here and he was mine and I couldn't have been happier. To my surprise my heart grew again when I couldn't imagine it had the capacity to grow anymore. I was totally in love.

It was such a different experience than what I had with Berkley. It made all of the difference in the world just knowing what to expect having done it once already. I had time to slow down and take in all of the little details. There was a calmness that was definitely lacking the first time around. I might be different than most but I LOVE the delivery process. The epidural is awesome, nurses wait on you hand and foot, the pushing part is minimal and I don't feel a thing, you have everything you need, the nurse can help you out at night and let you get a few hours of sleep in a row which is amazing, family can come and go as they please, and everything is taken care of. Aside from the food and the fact that my poor husband has to sleep on a super uncomfortable recliner thing for a few nights, the hospital experience has been almost heaven for me both times. Robby was, as always, the best through this experience. I still dont know how I got into this amazing mess with such a great man. Love him so much!

It is blowing my mind how quick this little boy is growing up! He was an easy baby. He rarely cried and made everyone feel good because he would smile at anyone and everyone.

When bay man was about 6 months old he fell from the bed while sitting in his bumbo and broke his collar bone. I was devastated. I knew it was an accident and I have come to peace with it, but at the time I was just racked with guilt. If I had watched him closer or maybe not set him on the bed we could have avoided that situation. I felt so bad, and i certain degree of guilt will be with me forever. Seeing his little arm wrapped up in an ace bandage was almost too much to bare. But he did pretty well in recovery and was his happy little self about 95% of the healing process.


Little man continued to grow and grow and now he is 14 months old in a couple of days! He is the light of my life (along with his sister) and is such a fun happy little man. He loves to throw a ball around and be outside just like the rest of his family. He is still a big smiler and eats SO MUCH FOOD. He can out eat Berkley any day. He is an amazing little boy and I am so blessed to be his mama.
The picture in the plaid shirt is on his first birthday.

Before I had Baylor we tried to explain to Berkley that there was a baby in mom's tummy and that it would be her baby brother. We told her she would love him and that he would love her and that they would be best friends.

           She didn't buy it at first.

But over time she warmed up to him. 

Now they are best buddies <3